Falling Apart
by Lai Jun Chen
Summary: Kanda and Allen may not get along right away, but anything can happen with a bit of time. Allen is breaking and only Kanda seems aware of it, and he desperately wants to keep the boy from shattering. Based on the song The Fragile.


This is a Kanda/Allen fic. It is more or less a drabble, neither overly fluffy nor graphic.

I don't know how good this fic is, really. It is my first attempt at -Man fanfiction.

The song is The Fragile, by Nine Inch Nails.

Obviously, I own neither the characters, nor the lyrics.

**Falling Apart**

It didn't happen right away, not as soon as he entered the Order, but it didn't take long either. First it was just a noticeably optimistic and idealistic attitude. After Matel it was unwavering determination and astounding growth. With the rewinding town self-sacrificing, mature, and resilient were added to the ever growing list of adjectives used to describe Allen Walker.

Everyone could see his evolution, could see how wonderful he was. Everyone but the boy himself. That just allowed people to add another adjective; _endearing_.

**She shines in a world full of ugliness**

**She matters when everything is meaningless**

**Fragile, she doesn't see her beauty**

**Sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving**

**I can't watch her slip away**

Kanda could understand 'endearing,' but he didn't agree that the term fit the white haired teen. Kanda thought his obliviousness was _infuriating_. Allen couldn't see his worth. He couldn't see how much he'd grown, nor could he see his limits. He couldn't see how much he was loved. He couldn't see how much it _hurt_ those who loved him every time he threw himself into the worst of the battles, tried to take every bullet and blow for his comrades, nearly died for every exorcist, human, and Akuma.

**I won't let you fall apart (x4)**

So Kanda couldn't think of Allen's blindness as anything other than infuriating. Infuriating because he was so _beautiful_ and could not see it. Twisted, self-less, beautiful Allen was one of the only people in the Order, in the war- in the whole world, as far as Kanda was concerned, worth saving. Broken, Akuma-obsessed, naïve Allen had to be saved, if from nothing else, than from himself. Because Allen was all that mattered in Kanda's world where everything was meaningless. Kanda could not let Allen slip away. He couldn't let him keep falling apart.

**She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by**

**Hoping someone will see**

**If I could fix myself I would die**

**But it's too late for me**

Allen could see what people thought of him, knew what was on their minds. And they were all so wrong. They saw strength in him when he felt like he would shatter. They saw determination and dedication rather than desperation. Self-less ness in repentance. Naiveté and idealism instead of the flimsy hope he helplessly clung to. He kept wishing someone could really see. See how fragile and broken he was and see how he was only trying to fix himself with every battle fought, every soul saved, every wound taken. But perhaps he was broken beyond repair, perhaps it was too late for him…

**I won't let you fall apart (x4)**

So he just kept breaking in silence. Until he noticed Kanda, one uneventful day, just staring at him. He only had a momentary glance of the older boy as he sparred with Lenalee. And it seemed unimportant at first. Except that the dark haired boy was staring so _pointedly_ at him with a look that was _not_ a scowl or a glare, that held no accusation or murderous intent. As he was trying to keep from accidentally being killed by Lenalee's Dark Boots he dismissed it and forgot about the seemingly insignificant incident. Until it happened again, and again. Soon it was almost every day that he caught the samurai staring at him. Sometimes the look he received was sorrowful, or curious, and somehow demanding. Less often Kanda seemed angry or disgusted, but these negative feelings never seemed to be directed exactly _at_ him... more in his general direction. And Allen began to hope that someone was finally seeing him, rather than the costume he wore.

**We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide**

**I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side**

One day, weeks after the staring began, Kanda barged into his room and dragged him off (allowed himself to be 'dragged off,' mind you). Except that Kanda was gentle about it and now when he looked at Allen his dark eyes spoke of care and want, and a certain sadness that didn't seem at odds with the two former emotions. Kanda took him to a dark, old sitting room in the older parts of the Order, a place that was apparently no longer used- hadn't even been entered in years. And Kanda simply pulled him to sit on the couch and was silent, fidgeting, perhaps in indecision or embarrassment. Confused, Allen made to pull his wrist from the other boy, only to have the samurai grab his hand, holding it firmly, his eyes near pleading and simultaneously demanding that he not pull away. And that was when he knew his wish for understanding, for someone to see, had been granted.

And he smiled a genuine smile, the kind he hadn't used much since Mana. Allen shifted close, now nearly sitting on the Kanda's lap and kissed him. A kiss that was quickly and eagerly returned. He sat with a blushing Kanda, drew closer, and laced their fingers together. With Kanda at his side perhaps he wouldn't fall apart anymore.

**It's something I have to do**

**I won't let you fall apart**

**I was like you**

**I won't let you fall apart**

It was just a dusty, old drawing room and just for the afternoon, but it was the perfect place for them to run and hide. He wanted more than an afternoon alone with Allen. Now _his_ Allen. He wanted to build walls around them and keep everyone on the other side. He wanted to do something, anything, to keep the evils of the war away from the white haired boy. However, he knew that he could not keep self-sacrificing/repentant, determined/despairing Allen Walker away from the front lines and all to himself. So instead of building walls he would become that wall for the younger exorcist. And instead of hiding him away he would defend his Allen from everything. Because he, like everyone else, couldn't help but love the cursed boy. Except that he loved the boy differently- and certainly more than everyone else. And the Moyashi was _his,_ and he knew Allen best, and they were so _alike_. They were both fragile, but he wasn't broken like Allen and Kanda just couldn't let him fall apart anymore.

**Before everything else**

**I won't let you fall apart**

**I was like you**

**I won't let you fall apart**


End file.
